Pre-teens and teenagers often face an internal critic that can feel louder than any external voice. Whether it’s struggling with a tough test, feeling excluded by friends, or comparing themselves to others online, self-doubt can creep in and take root. But what if we taught them to replace that harsh inner voice with a kind and understanding one?
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion, a concept popularised by Dr. Kristin Neff, is the practice of treating oneself with the same kindness and care that you would offer a friend. For pre-teens, this means recognising that mistakes are part of learning, that they’re not alone in feeling insecure, and that it’s okay to show themselves love and understanding.
Dr. Neff explains that self-compassion involves three key components: self-kindness (being warm and understanding toward oneself), common humanity (recognising that everyone struggles), and mindfulness (maintaining a balanced awareness of emotions). These principles provide a foundation for helping pre-teens manage their inner critic and build a more supportive internal dialogue.
Why self-compassion matters
Pre-teens are in a phase of rapid emotional and social development. As they become more aware of how they’re perceived by others, their inner dialogue can become more and more critical. Self-compassion acts as a buffer against self-doubt and perfectionism, fostering emotional wellbeing. Kids who learn to be kinder to themselves often face challenges with greater courage and develop healthier relationships with others.
Simple practices for building self-compassion
The friend test: when pre-teens face self-doubt, encourage them to ask, “What would I say to my best friend if they were in this situation?” This shifts their perspective and invites a kinder response.
Self-compassion breaks: teach them to pause and acknowledge when they’re feeling overwhelmed. Saying something like, “This is hard, and it’s okay to feel this way,” can normalise their struggles.
Journaling: encourage them to write about a challenge they faced that day and end with something kind or encouraging they would say to themselves.
Positive visualisation: guide them through imagining their future self as someone strong, kind, and capable. This practice helps replace self-doubt with self-belief.
A world of kindness starts within
Teaching self-compassion isn’t just about helping pre-teens overcome self-doubt—it’s about showing them that they deserve kindness, especially from themselves. When children learn to embrace who they are, flaws and all, they carry this mindset into adulthood, creating a more empathetic world for themselves and those around them.
References:
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. HarperCollins.
